What they don’t tell you about expat life

Everything starts with an “irresistible” proposal or the vision of a new and bigger opportunity for your life. There is lots of help on offer to organize a school and find a house,  the dream starts growing and the reality gets a bit interesting, so we get a little more into the dream.

The day comes when the dream becomes reality: we are in our new house and we see the truck arrive with our most precious belongings. We are getting ready to start new jobs, the kids are starting new schools, and it is time to get in touch with what is really on offer in our new home.

Companies that have experience with expats have detailed programmes and lots of knowledge of do's and don’ts. But if you are in a company that is just starting these programmes, make sure that you create a strong list for all the things that are important for you and you want to know.

And being an expat is much more than moving countries, it is all about living in those countries and adapting.

One of the things that we hear the most is that as an expat you learn how to lose and you will get used to seeing friends go.

We would say that above all, this sensation of loss of connection is the most difficult thing for everyone in an expat family. Everyone in the family can have different views on the change and move countries, but the need for connection is the most intensive need in humans. So probably everyone in your family misses that long-term connection, and can show it in different ways.

Once we had a coaching client whose child refused to talk her mother tongue. During the session, the child started to cry saying that speaking the language made her miss her grandmother even more.

It is important to make sure that moving countries does not involve leaving connections, and that even when you are far away from your roots you bring the things that make you happy from the different countries that you lived.

We would like to leave you with simple ways of making sure that everyone in the family has a healthy feeling of connection:

1)    Leave space in the moving boxes for each person in the family to bring the memories that makes then happy.

2)    Keep a book of phone numbers, addresses, names and photos of people that you like and appreciate (we know that you probably have social media, but having a book is a totally different sensation).

3)    Create an album for the little ones to remember later on with people in it, not only places.

4)    Talk about people: not talking doesn’t make them disappear and does make it easier.

5)    Keep calling all your good friends, even if you are really busy.

6)    Tell people that you miss them.

All this is very simple, but still very easy to not do. With a new country, new life and new people you tend to be busy. But in such situations, many people can get very sad and not really know their way. The sensation of not belonging and losing roots can be devastating.

In one family coaching session we heard about a ten-year-old girl who started to wet the bed while sleeping, and her parents were very concerned. During one of the sessions, the girl said that she felt like a baby without a mum. Her parents were so surprised, because she had always reacted with enthusiasm to all the moves and changes, but not this time. She needed roots and a feeling that she belonged somewhere.

Being a traveller is great when you know where to come back to.